Circumcision

I've actually mulled over this particular blog a long time. It'll probably bother a lot of people, insult others ... you know the normal Corinne type blog, but in the end I decided it was important enough to write it. I remember being told that some things are better off in a diary, but I have to tell you ... that it does no one any good if it's in a diary. This particular blog is just like that ... if I don't tell anybody ... how will you know how it affected me? Why I may be different ... and how it could affect others? If you don't like it ... then just don't read it I suppose ... I really won't know if you read it or not.

On Thursday May 20th, Will was circumcised. Even writing the word makes me sad. The night before I was already upset, so upset I cried myself to sleep. Needless to say that didn't put me in a strong emotional place to prepare me for the morning ahead. We arrived at the hospital early (as requested) got our paperwork, checked into ambulatory care and waited. I was holding up pretty good, especially since everyone was admiring our beautiful baby. One intern said he was the most perfectly shaped baby he'd seen in a long time. YAY! In order to keep from getting upset and upsetting Will before hand I walked around ... since maternity was just down the hall I would walk to the doors and back, and I even nursed him. Corey went to and from the place to pay but they weren't open.

When it was our turn we stepped into the room (I was glad I wasn't required to hand him over to anyone) and I got my glimpse of the little table thingie they use to hold the baby down. My heart began to beat faster and I could feel the tension in me. I noticed the soft straps they would use to hold his legs down and I had a flashback to my D&C ... I remembered the last thing I'd seen was the straps to hold MY legs apart so they could take out my lost baby :(. I decided to change Will's diaper and then I wrapped him in his blanket. I already felt ... like I was holding someone else's baby. The doctor came in, explained the procedure ... I think (I was staring at the little thing that would bare my son's most vulnerable parts and I couldn't think of anything) He mentioned freezing, numbness and said he would get us when it was done. Then I piped up.

Corey was staying. That was the deal we had made. Corey stays with Will at all times. The night before I really wanted to stay with Will but ... I guess I got scared. I didn't want to be there when he cried ... I knew I would lose it. I kinda laughed and said I was leaving and the nurse said she'd come get me when it was done. I walked to the OTHER side of the hospital ... and read a magazine and tried DESPERATELY to think of other things. That lasted five minutes and I came back and sat against the window watching people go in and out of the hospital. I was already numb, nervous and always checking the door to his room. I could SWEAR I heard a baby crying and I prayed it wasn't mine.

After what seemed like forever, I saw the nurse come looking for me and I actually jogged down the hall in my hurry to get my baby. I could hear her and Corey telling me he did good but all I did was rip my baby out of his daddy's hands and say that he STILL CRIED ... for nothing. I walked away without another word ... down the hall toward the exit. Corey had all the info/bags etc ... car seat ... so I just walked. Will was staring at me with wild eyes ... and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. I didn't want to cry in the hospital ... I had shed too many tears in that place already. As Corey paid for the circumcision (yes you have to pay) I gently placed Will in his car seat. I didn't wait ... I went to the car with the keys Corey gave me.

Tears were already pouring out before I got half way to the car. I wanted to run. It felt like someone was trying to suffocate me. Once we were in the car I buckled up and waited for Corey. I couldn't even look at him and I can only imagine what he was thinking at the time. I WAS angry at him ... it was something he had felt was important and although I wanted to be his partner in this decision ... at that moment I really couldn't. I didn't want to get into a fight ... and I couldn't fight at that moment either. I answered all questions with nods and shakes of the head. We picked up Amelie from Patricia's (thanks for watching her sis!) and went home. I tried to smile at Amelie but ... she's no dummy and I could see she was confused by my tears. Corey tried to reassure me ... rubbing my leg ... telling me he barely cried, only for the freezing ... I read the little pamphlet and asked Corey if he knew how to care for it ... etc ...

When we got home, I changed Will's diaper and I now know how it feels to have your heart ripped out of your chest. I was stunned and horrified at the same time. I didn't stop crying from that point ... for ... at least 24 hours. He looked mutilated and although I knew it would heal differently ... I was ashamed of myself. I didn't protect him ... I let this happen ... to what? to prevent infection? I realized then that the reason was stupid. In order to prevent ear infections should we take out our ears? It's better now than later?? What? Yes great some people need it later ... they know the pain will end and there was a real purpose to it.

For the next 24 hours, Will and I cried together. When he peed and screamed I felt like my soul was dying ... I really did. I blamed myself a lot! Worse ... Corey went to work that night, leaving me in such emotional turmoil to care for our 2 year old (who was acting up because I was so upset) and our 18 day old baby (who spent most of the time crying, whimpering and screaming at me) Will wouldn't nurse properly, biting, having a bad latch and I didn't/couldn't correct the latch. After a while ... I felt numb to everything around me. This wasn't my baby. I had a calm, quiet, happy, content baby. He nursed like a pro ... not this ... this was someone else's baby. Corey called to check up on me and I remember hanging up on him. I couldn't talk much. I was furious that he asked me how I was doing? ... REALLY? what a dumb/retarded question. That night ... Amelie fell off her moose and I yelled at her and then I burst into tears. She did nothing wrong and I knew I was going nuts. And worse ... she hugged ME And told me it was okay! That did it ... I bawled and hugged her tight!!

Finally, morning came, Corey came home and went to bed. When Will cried I made sure to walk down by the bedroom (I know ... heartless but at this point I was feeling heartless) I kept Will SO clean and made sure he was as comfortable as I could make him. Vaseline was our friend and so was water. ... and Polysporin. I wasn't sure and am still not sure ... I could have any more children for fear of having a boy and having that decision to make ... and going through ALL that again. That night before Corey went to work he got angry because I was so angry. I was so ... out of it ... he said I was blank. Well ... I was, I had to be in order to properly care for Will and Amelie. I turned down visitors, ignored phone calls, barely ate. Corey decided he wasn't leaving until I felt better ... even if it made him late for work. We talked ... and I did feel a bit better ... and I do feel better. I had spent hours googling and for a while I felt sick but I forced myself to REALLY understand the procedure and I talked to Corey a lot and talked to others and got support. I am confident now that our doctor was the BEST doctor for the circumcision and just 4 days later when the bell fell off (I guess because I am a super good maman and it healed fast) I felt even better ... and was able to breathe and even find a bit of humor to diffuse my tension.

I'm not sure where I stand on the procedure ... but I do know where I stand on the way it emotionally affects people ... even if Will isn't emotionally affected long term ... I am. And who's to say that babies aren't affected in the long run ... how on EARTH can we know ... what can we compare it to? They barely had a chance to be alive before this happened to them. If there had been no freezing ... I can't even imagine how I would have handled it. I can't even imagine how Corey would have felt either ... in fact I try not to think of it.

Will is much better now and almost back into his old groove, but he does get upset when he can't hear me and I won't let anyone but me change his diaper ... and Corey now. For those of you who chose circumcision this might have seemed like a crazy attack on you but it really isn't ... it's just how I felt about the whole thing. I won't judge you regardless of what you chose. I ask you don't judge me for having these thoughts and feelings about it.