The blame game ...

In times of deep sorrow ... everyone blames God. Okay ... the Atheists don't ... and ... probably the Pope doesn't. I will admit, I've done my share of blaming too, but then something really big happened. Nothing. Nothing happened. I had 3 miscarriages in a row and told myself ... "God has a plan" Are you kidding me? Maybe he does ... or maybe I just had 3 miscarriages in a row. Period. No pun intended. Sometimes bad things happen ... because bad things happen.

When it comes to babies who die at birth, premature or otherwise, my heart breaks for those families anyways. It's not a rainbow of hope that God had a plan. That doesn't console most parents I would think. I'm willing to bet they are playing the blame game (again unless they are atheists who might still blame science.). I know some parents can be consoled by the thought that God simply meant for them to bless us with only a few minutes, or hours ... or just the pregnancy. I don't know. I'm not God. I'm on the fence.Not gonna lie ... it does console me sometimes.

On one side is believing in God. On the other, believing in Science. Right now I see some pretty big downers either way. On God's side ... then you have to wonder why he IS letting babies die. On the other, you have to wonder why some doctors are allowed to get away with what they do to laboring women who are at their most vulnerable times. Sounds like paperwork to me. In reality, I think bad things just happen. Every baby that dies has a different story of course. Maybe God knew there would be suffering and he decided that this little baby needed a soft place to land? My heart hurts just thinking of someone hurting my children, of losing them, or worse ... never having them :/.

I don't know what to say to those people. So I'm silent. I didn't experience it. I really hope to never have to. I'm sure they didn't wish it either. I sit in silence, thinking about them and their loss.  Next I'll check on both my kids, place my hand on their chests and feel their breathing (or listen to some snoring depending who's bed I'm at) and I'll watch them in the glow of the nightlight (aka internet router lights) and I'll be forever grateful for the blessings I've been bestowed ... whether it be by God, some guardian angels ... the craziest biological miracle fluke in the universe that allows sperm/egg to make a baby ... I'll thank them all.

My fanfiction addiction

I love Star Trek, especially the Next Generation. I love writing about it, and because I was especially displeased with how they did NOT delve into the Picard/Crusher relationship, choosing instead the Riker/Troi one, I seemed to have been stuck on it. But today, a few minutes ago, I finished reading a book on my eReader that left me very pleasantly surprised. As I approached the last page in anticipation of the ending I expected ... I was thrown a curve ball and left with the ending I WANTED! and it was written in 2005. How did I not come across this sooner!!!!!???? Oh well. Anyways, I'm pleased. Of course this probably will fuel more fanfiction on my part instead of less ... but we'll see. :)

I'm never going to sleep again ... am I?

Recently, Corey told me of a 2 1/2 year old boy going for a nap and not waking up. I am already lacking sleep because of 'recent' break-ins to the area. A lot of people say 'there's no point in losing sleep over it', except I am. I have 2 little ones that I need to protect and if I'm too slow getting to them when I need to be there ... I'll never forgive myself. So now I'm double stressed. Ridiculous isn't it? I hear parents brag about their kids sleeping 12 hours or more a night and frankly ... I'm fine waking up every few hours to a crying baby, or to comfort by toddler. I'm going to lose my mind aren't I ... sigh ... crazy.

Then there's immunizations, sleepovers, germs, their friends, grandparents, dentists, tooth decay, vitamins, colds, haircuts, spoiling them, educating them, discipline ... etc ... etc ... ;) Well ... I can honestly say that I won't lose sleep over my birth choices though. 1 down ...

Family Pictures

Finally! We took some family pictures. I know, I know ... 'bout time right? It was rough going with cranky kids, the cold weather, but our photographer Pam Linfitt did a great job! We will be doing some kid ones probably in the spring, since they are both May babies ... it makes sense to document their aging ... when they age haha. Right? If you don't have facebook, or didn't specify ... don't worry I printed out some extra copies :) ... Well Costco did all the printing. I can't wait until after Christmas so I can get a couple canvases done :D Woot.

Here are a few of my faves :

Christmas Tree!!

Today we did our traditional hike down to the riverbank and found our Christmas tree. AS usual, this involved a skeptical descent and even more hair raising climb back up. Why? Because we do that's why. I forgot to take a picture of our climb down and our climb back up but at least it wasn't as bad as last year. Amelie got distracted and walked too slowly so she and I made our way back to the climb up point after a walk down one length of the riverbank, while Corey went down the other and found our tree! She got tired. Booo. And whiny. Double boo. And wanted to be carried. Argh. I already had my arms full of a 7 month old baby, who toughed it out quite well. She did get through it though! I was very proud that she muscled through the trees, even though she was crying. When we finally made it back to the truck, she stopped crying and said, "The truck! Yay!" Needless to say, this is the last year we hike the riverbank. Next year, somewhere else, but definitely a real tree. Once we got it in the house Amelie exclaimed, "It's CHRISTMAS!!!" awwwww. I love her. William went for a nap, but I'm sure he was excited too.

Going to get the tree!!

Still happy to be tree hunting!

The view from the riverbank and Amelie picking up a "flower"

Hmmmm .....

Amelie thought that branch was our tree ...

The Tree!! We realized we had no working lights, garland or enough balls/decorations so ... this is the tree with a bout 5 balls, 2 candy canes, 3 silver deer and a teeny stocking.

Will is 7 months old!!

Yay! Will is now 7 months old and close to crawling. He can get around even if he isn't on his fours and moving around. Let's just say I can't leave him unattended. At 6 months, 3 weeks he weighed 18 lbs 8 ounces and measured 27 3/4 inches long. He loves his big sister very much, and his mommy of course. He's just finally decided to like carrots, potatoes and pears. Yum! He still breastfeeds and is growing like a weed, but much more attractive and wanted than a weed.

Squash

The line

Do you ever wonder where the line is? You know the one you don't really want to cross at any point? The one that will take an argument into dangerous territory? I hate that line. It's also there when I want to blog. Right. There. It's my blog and I can write what I want ... but I want people to read it so I sensor it ... only put good? things or fun things or at least I do now. IS that a catch 22? I think it is.

For instance, I used to write about pregnancy/birth ... but I got so much flack (is that a word?) that I stopped. I mean I don't understand ... it was my feelings! Things that actually happened to me or were affecting me. Then I wrote about work ... gawsh darn it anyways. I'm over that now. But still. My blog is boring now.

Right now. I want to blog about a book I'm reading. I like it and don't like it at the same time. It's frustrating because ... maybe the author reads my blog. I don't know! I like the author and don't want to hurt her feelings, but I really want to blog about the book! I can't stop reading the book, well obviously I stopped for a bit, because I want to know what happens, but whenever I pick it up I get mad and put it down. Another catch 22? I should google it. But I should know because I think I read the book Catch 22.

So here I am. Standing at that line, wondering if I should step over it ... write what I want ... or stay on my side.

You know, I wish I had a piano. I miss playing it a lot! Like ... a LOT! I also wish I had a laptop so I didn't have to be hunched over at a kids table, sitting on a sagging moose footstool (that shouldn't be sat on), typing on a wax crayon colored french keyboard and trying to not lose my mouse on the floor every time I adjust the screen.

Speaking of mice, I haven't seen any in a while. Do mice hibernate? I hope so. Maybe our new cat Cinderella scared them. She scared me! Crazy, hissing cat ... you'd only guess now, she's still leery ...

I'm glad I have spell checker. I love spell checker.

Will is 6 months old!

Well here's another one. The 7 month post should go up tomorrow. I was really hoping to have some kid pics to put up but we ended up having to redo them :( And they haven't been redone yet. Gotta admit I'm a little disappointed about that.

Nice babysitting .... lol

Surprise!!

Yum!

awwww

Will is 5 months old

Another ... er ... belated picture post ... ahem ahem ...

Happy Will

Mommy snuggles

Mini Al Borland from Tool Tome lol

Will is 4 months old!

Okay so this is ridiculously belated lol, but here are a few pictures from Will's 4th month :)

I really regret not blogging more/sooner ... I forget a lot of the stuff and until I get my butt in gear and start scrapbooking ... gah. I should SERIOUSLY clean the basement (for the umpteenth time) and get set up and just do it.

Flexibility Competition with one of the twins

Loving sister kisses!

Serious monkey business!!

Will's Baptism

Well, after a panicked last minute change of date/time, everything went smoothly anyways. Maybe even better than planned ... It turns out that you aren't supposed to have a Baptism on the first Sunday of Advent. I'm a teeny bit annoyed to find out that there were Baptisms in other parishes anyways, but ... in the end it worked out and everyone was able to come! Will listened intently during 99% of the whole ceremony (which is better than most of us adults there) and he adores Father Tru. Maybe it's his voice. Here are some pictures!

Noooooo not Holy water!!

The Godparents - Gayle Lavigne and Shea Evans

Father Tru Le (yup that's his name)

William listening intently

Mommy time!!

New and Refreshed

I cut my hair. Well, I didn't personally do it, but Summer from Summer's Hair Flair in St. Louis did. I love it ... except I think I will go to the shorter layer. Eventually I'd LOVE to add some blond to it. I also bought a hair straightener and should really be experimenting with it, but aren't lol.

Christmas Shopping

So. I started Christmas shopping a little while ago. Coincided with hunting season. Weird eh? I don't know why, but the Christmas spirit seems to be a little higher in me this year. Maybe because I'm avoiding the money crunch, last minute panic attack that almost always happens when I only start shopping in December. Totally hope to avoid and am currently avoiding. I am about 30% done, and have just a few people that need little extras, then I will jump to about 40 or 50 % done (I have a spreadsheet, yes I do) WE also (lamely) missed some birthdays so I've had to budget that into my shopping as well.

I've already pulled out the Christmas decorations and Corey has promised to put up some lights when he gets back from Leader (mule deer hunting). It's been hard explaining to Amelie that we don't get a tree until December because it won't last that long and we don't want to get a fake one! I really like a real one and Corey likes the tradition. She IS excited for the lights to go up though. :)

In other news, we had our family pictures taken the other day. SO excited to see them and I'm sure you are all too!! :)

Booklists!! and other stuff

Yay! I figured out how to put my links in a better place and edit my template for the blog. Exciting!! I'm trying to finish my book collections, a few in particular, and have added the links on the side. If you have books that might be a nice addition to my library I'm willing to pay a few bucks for them :D

Men

Okay ... I don't REALLY want to complain, but maybe vent a little frustration similar to other people that I've noticed on facebook. Why is it ... that men consider it "babysitting" when they are watching their own kids so you can go out? Why is it ... that when you say you want some time to yourself, men automatically assume that means with them and they proceed to try and get a babysitter? Why is it that after getting up 3-4 times in the night with your kids, getting up at 6 am to be with them, going to bed at midnight after the youngest finally falls asleep and you've finished your tidying .... it's always the man that wakes up at noon the next day and says "I'm so tired, I didn't sleep very well"? Why is it SO hard for them to stop picking their noses, scratching their asses and talking on the phone while watching sports to help you out with ... oh I don't know ... being married with kids? Just wondering. Call me curious I suppose.

11 rules your kids did not and will not learn in school

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a sports car until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Stolen from Jodi Steadman a friend of mine. Ain't THAT the truth!! Kids can't handle anything not going their way and it's everyone else's fault it went wrong and no one takes responsibility for anything! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Bible Study?

So. I decided to join a Bible/God study ... http://wonderfulstudy.blogspot.com/ For many reasons. I really want to live my faith, but I'm finding a lack of motivation. Blah. I know. I enjoy going to church, but the mere thought of bringing my 2 year old and my 4 month old by myself is something I don't look forward too. I enjoy going for the quiet, and what's the point of going if I will be spending my time chasing a 2 year old. I suppose even though Corey is not Catholic, but is United ... he's still a Christian and perhaps he will come with me once in a while. I am a firm believer that God is everywhere and therefore not going to church shouldn't be the end of the world (haha) Also, I think church at 9 am when you have an infant is unfair. ;) I don't know where I stand on the whole God thing, and so I hope this study/discussions will help guide me in a direction. If anyone else would like in on this, the link is posted above, just join!

Gayle is pregnant!!!

Finally I decided to post about sista Gayley. A. She doesn't update her own blog which means she sucks ;) B. I have all her pictures anyways. HAHAHA As of today Gayle is approx 19 weeks pregnant. Yay! Almost halfway there. Her first ultrasound was at ... 11 weeks I believe and she has those pics (dang it) but I will steal them and put them up here too. Her due date is January 27th 2011 and she barely has a belly. She IS finding out the sex and when she knows, we'll maybe all know.

On another note, Gayle was also in a car accident. :s. Scary! A drunk driver blew threw a yield sign hitting her driver side door. She has some back pain/neck pain as well as quite a few special bruises, but her and baby are fine otherwise. Her car ... Ravvy ... not so fine. I will post some pic's of it once I steal them as well.

Onto the fun pics!18.5 weeks pregnant
18.5 weeks pregnant

'Tis the season ... hunting season that is

Ah yes. A hunting widow is what I am. From September 1st to the middle of December my house is filled with the smell of goose, moose, elk and deer. It wouldn't be so bad if they were already cut and wrapped when they came home. But no ... it's like having to wrap your own Christmas present, and it smells WAY worse than any Christmas smell ... just sayin'. I suppose, at least, it'll fill up my freezer. (Hopefully). So tomorrow begins the long season of hunting .... thrilled. Really.

Will is 3 months old!

Okay. Seriously. How is time going by so fast? Will is a way better breastfeeder than Amelie, by this point with her I was under pressure to use a bottle, but this time ... in one ear out the other people. He sleeps most of the night from about midnight until 6-7 then feeds then back to bed until whenever Amelie is up and then if Daddy is home we sleep until 9 or 10 if we can. He doesn't roll over but he's kind of like his sister and HATES tummy time. He hates it so much he will WHINE and fuss and be incredibly adorable until you pick him up and let him stand or sit. So ... we'll see where that takes us. He can pull himself to stand using your hands if you let him and he enjoys the excersaucer even though he's too small to really fit it. A few blankets to stuff the holes works great. He still rarely cries, he hates dirty diapers, he loves camping and slept through the night AND laughed for the first time while camping. He doesn't like water too much, but loves hanging out in the carrier or sling. He is a maman's boy that's for sure. :D And now ... PICTURES!Sleeping in the Exersaucer

Not real fond of the water

Silly Kids
Happy Will!!!

Oh yeah and I have no idea how much he weighs or how long he is at 3 months old.

Frowny?

Cats and Mice

So ... I hate mice. Like ... yes they disgust me and I jump on a chair, but it's deeper than that. It's an insult to me to have mice in my house, especially running around during the middle of the day across my bed or couch. No thanks. The deal was that Corey would change the litter. So ... that was the last straw and I went to mom's house and finally picked up a cat for inside the house. Ally. She's old. Then Corey had promised his mom we would take two kittens (about 10 weeks old) so ... The Twins (AKA Nuts and Bolts) join the house. THEN we discover that Ally had kittens so mom catches the 1 that survived and Milo (4 weeks old) joins our mouse hunting team. Needless to say ... I clean the litter, Amelie always has a cat to play with, I have cat hair on my clothes .... but I haven't seen a single mouse, nor any mouse poop ... so ... I'll clean the litter, wash Amelie's *war wounds* as she learns to play nice ... and deal with a little cat hair.

Camping

Our camper with the new deck (Thanks Matante Angel and Oncle Leo)

Yay! So far it's been great. We have a seasonal Site up at Weyakwin (#67) in loop 4. I LOVE our site. It's so awesome and big. Corey parked the camper so that it gives us some privacy. Will was uber cranky the first night so we came home the next day, but then the 2nd time we went up when he was older he was super! He even slept his first night much to my chagrin ;) I of course had forgotten to pack more than 1 pair of pants and 2 shirts (the rest stayed on my bed for some reason) It's a little bit of a hike to get there and usually Amelie whines most of the way ... at least until we discovered a portable DVD player ;)Amelie making friends

Will 10 weeks old enjoying the water

Daddy and Will in Waskesiu

Amelie on the beach

Followed Daddy in the waterReading break