Amelie is TWO

Amelie's 2 year old check up went great! She weighed in at 32 lbs and 34 inches tall! WHOA! I was a bit worried for a half second about her weight (it's off the charts) but our doctor reassured me that she is perfectly proportioned, she's just heavy that's all. She's not fat in any way! She's also talking a mile a minute. My favorite things she says are "Go ahead ..." "Stop bugging me" and "Will'm" awwwwwwwwwww she also says "I love you" "Dodo me".

She puts herself to bed around 8h30-9h00 usually, or we remind her it's bedtime and away she goes. We thought with Will around she might want to co-sleep again, but nope ... a snuggle here and there and she goes to her own bed. Amélie ADORE being outside so we all hope the weather gets better soon!! She calls her sandbox her "garden" And loves her Tante Madison! She knows almost all her aunts and uncles by name, and her cousins even the ones she barely sees .. I'm very impressed! She wears a size 3X ... but we are now buying size 4 clothes just to be safe (I have this thing about shrinking things ....) Now for some pics!!
"eating breakfast"

Playing in her "garden"I told her it was a shirt but ....

Amélie and her birthday bike

Circumcision

I've actually mulled over this particular blog a long time. It'll probably bother a lot of people, insult others ... you know the normal Corinne type blog, but in the end I decided it was important enough to write it. I remember being told that some things are better off in a diary, but I have to tell you ... that it does no one any good if it's in a diary. This particular blog is just like that ... if I don't tell anybody ... how will you know how it affected me? Why I may be different ... and how it could affect others? If you don't like it ... then just don't read it I suppose ... I really won't know if you read it or not.

On Thursday May 20th, Will was circumcised. Even writing the word makes me sad. The night before I was already upset, so upset I cried myself to sleep. Needless to say that didn't put me in a strong emotional place to prepare me for the morning ahead. We arrived at the hospital early (as requested) got our paperwork, checked into ambulatory care and waited. I was holding up pretty good, especially since everyone was admiring our beautiful baby. One intern said he was the most perfectly shaped baby he'd seen in a long time. YAY! In order to keep from getting upset and upsetting Will before hand I walked around ... since maternity was just down the hall I would walk to the doors and back, and I even nursed him. Corey went to and from the place to pay but they weren't open.

When it was our turn we stepped into the room (I was glad I wasn't required to hand him over to anyone) and I got my glimpse of the little table thingie they use to hold the baby down. My heart began to beat faster and I could feel the tension in me. I noticed the soft straps they would use to hold his legs down and I had a flashback to my D&C ... I remembered the last thing I'd seen was the straps to hold MY legs apart so they could take out my lost baby :(. I decided to change Will's diaper and then I wrapped him in his blanket. I already felt ... like I was holding someone else's baby. The doctor came in, explained the procedure ... I think (I was staring at the little thing that would bare my son's most vulnerable parts and I couldn't think of anything) He mentioned freezing, numbness and said he would get us when it was done. Then I piped up.

Corey was staying. That was the deal we had made. Corey stays with Will at all times. The night before I really wanted to stay with Will but ... I guess I got scared. I didn't want to be there when he cried ... I knew I would lose it. I kinda laughed and said I was leaving and the nurse said she'd come get me when it was done. I walked to the OTHER side of the hospital ... and read a magazine and tried DESPERATELY to think of other things. That lasted five minutes and I came back and sat against the window watching people go in and out of the hospital. I was already numb, nervous and always checking the door to his room. I could SWEAR I heard a baby crying and I prayed it wasn't mine.

After what seemed like forever, I saw the nurse come looking for me and I actually jogged down the hall in my hurry to get my baby. I could hear her and Corey telling me he did good but all I did was rip my baby out of his daddy's hands and say that he STILL CRIED ... for nothing. I walked away without another word ... down the hall toward the exit. Corey had all the info/bags etc ... car seat ... so I just walked. Will was staring at me with wild eyes ... and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. I didn't want to cry in the hospital ... I had shed too many tears in that place already. As Corey paid for the circumcision (yes you have to pay) I gently placed Will in his car seat. I didn't wait ... I went to the car with the keys Corey gave me.

Tears were already pouring out before I got half way to the car. I wanted to run. It felt like someone was trying to suffocate me. Once we were in the car I buckled up and waited for Corey. I couldn't even look at him and I can only imagine what he was thinking at the time. I WAS angry at him ... it was something he had felt was important and although I wanted to be his partner in this decision ... at that moment I really couldn't. I didn't want to get into a fight ... and I couldn't fight at that moment either. I answered all questions with nods and shakes of the head. We picked up Amelie from Patricia's (thanks for watching her sis!) and went home. I tried to smile at Amelie but ... she's no dummy and I could see she was confused by my tears. Corey tried to reassure me ... rubbing my leg ... telling me he barely cried, only for the freezing ... I read the little pamphlet and asked Corey if he knew how to care for it ... etc ...

When we got home, I changed Will's diaper and I now know how it feels to have your heart ripped out of your chest. I was stunned and horrified at the same time. I didn't stop crying from that point ... for ... at least 24 hours. He looked mutilated and although I knew it would heal differently ... I was ashamed of myself. I didn't protect him ... I let this happen ... to what? to prevent infection? I realized then that the reason was stupid. In order to prevent ear infections should we take out our ears? It's better now than later?? What? Yes great some people need it later ... they know the pain will end and there was a real purpose to it.

For the next 24 hours, Will and I cried together. When he peed and screamed I felt like my soul was dying ... I really did. I blamed myself a lot! Worse ... Corey went to work that night, leaving me in such emotional turmoil to care for our 2 year old (who was acting up because I was so upset) and our 18 day old baby (who spent most of the time crying, whimpering and screaming at me) Will wouldn't nurse properly, biting, having a bad latch and I didn't/couldn't correct the latch. After a while ... I felt numb to everything around me. This wasn't my baby. I had a calm, quiet, happy, content baby. He nursed like a pro ... not this ... this was someone else's baby. Corey called to check up on me and I remember hanging up on him. I couldn't talk much. I was furious that he asked me how I was doing? ... REALLY? what a dumb/retarded question. That night ... Amelie fell off her moose and I yelled at her and then I burst into tears. She did nothing wrong and I knew I was going nuts. And worse ... she hugged ME And told me it was okay! That did it ... I bawled and hugged her tight!!

Finally, morning came, Corey came home and went to bed. When Will cried I made sure to walk down by the bedroom (I know ... heartless but at this point I was feeling heartless) I kept Will SO clean and made sure he was as comfortable as I could make him. Vaseline was our friend and so was water. ... and Polysporin. I wasn't sure and am still not sure ... I could have any more children for fear of having a boy and having that decision to make ... and going through ALL that again. That night before Corey went to work he got angry because I was so angry. I was so ... out of it ... he said I was blank. Well ... I was, I had to be in order to properly care for Will and Amelie. I turned down visitors, ignored phone calls, barely ate. Corey decided he wasn't leaving until I felt better ... even if it made him late for work. We talked ... and I did feel a bit better ... and I do feel better. I had spent hours googling and for a while I felt sick but I forced myself to REALLY understand the procedure and I talked to Corey a lot and talked to others and got support. I am confident now that our doctor was the BEST doctor for the circumcision and just 4 days later when the bell fell off (I guess because I am a super good maman and it healed fast) I felt even better ... and was able to breathe and even find a bit of humor to diffuse my tension.

I'm not sure where I stand on the procedure ... but I do know where I stand on the way it emotionally affects people ... even if Will isn't emotionally affected long term ... I am. And who's to say that babies aren't affected in the long run ... how on EARTH can we know ... what can we compare it to? They barely had a chance to be alive before this happened to them. If there had been no freezing ... I can't even imagine how I would have handled it. I can't even imagine how Corey would have felt either ... in fact I try not to think of it.

Will is much better now and almost back into his old groove, but he does get upset when he can't hear me and I won't let anyone but me change his diaper ... and Corey now. For those of you who chose circumcision this might have seemed like a crazy attack on you but it really isn't ... it's just how I felt about the whole thing. I won't judge you regardless of what you chose. I ask you don't judge me for having these thoughts and feelings about it.

Pictures!

Mommy and Baby Will

Daddy and Baby William

Our first family picture together

Right after birth (well ... the first appropriate picture) :P

After thoughts about the birth

When I think back about the birth I already know what I will do next time ... if we are blessed/decide to have a 3rd child. I won't be afraid to put my hand down and guide the baby's head all the way out. I will make sure my team is completely prepared for how I want to deal with my back pain ... and I will keep my baby skin to skin for a longer period of time. These are things that I can control, that no one dictated for me but that I decided at the time and have changed my mind about them.

There is no greater feeling than birthing a baby in the quiet and calm of a bedroom ... with no bright lights, no masked people ... in fact I didn't even notice the pile of equipment the midwife had brought until AFTER Will was born. There was no one grabbing my baby, shaking him, suctioning him ... there was quiet observation, reassurance and an occasional check in. I wasn't disturbed and neither was Will. In fact ... I even went for a shower a few hours later. It was extremely amazing to pee without any burning sensation. No really ... that's amazing! I'm so glad that with both my children I was able to push as I saw fit. I am truly glad that although our first choice doula couldn't be there ... a new friend I'd made (because of Lisa) was able to come and be there. And it was the first time we'd met face to face!! It was great! She was obviously well trained :)

It was nice to come home and have no visitors for a day or two and then the grandparents, then the aunts ... and now anyone who wants to visit and sit in my sauna-I mean house. I suggest every mama have a babymoon ... for as long as you need. My mom came over a couple times to help keep Amelie busy and let me rest with Will. I appreciated ALL her awesome mom power (even though my window is still falling apart after she cleaned it ... ) and I still appreciate her coming over to help out whenever I need it, stopping in to check up on me (I know that's what she's doing) Everyone has been pretty great since Will was born and I think that has greatly attributed to my not getting post partum ... well not yet ... time can only tell but I do feel a lot better about myself and my baby and my abilities. It helps that Corey was supremely awesome after Will was born as well and Amelie adjusted in a manner that is almost scary. Well ... that's all for now ... but more updates to come soon!

William's birth story

I have written the story once already and ... erased it. Most people tell a story in chronological order ... I have yet to tell a story in the order it happened. I like to tell the best parts first, then the funny parts ... then the random parts I remember.

I can tell you the best parts. The best parts ... are looking back to see if we had a son or a daughter and seeing it was a boy (would have been happy with a girl too) ... being able to turn around and immediately hold my baby against my chest. It was being able to look into his squinty eyes and watch them open up in the dim room to look at me. It was the quiet in the room (I don't actually remember if he cried ... if he did it wasn't much) It was being the very first person to touch my baby boy, reaching down to feel him and realizing I was in complete control of how fast he was going to be coming out. It was knowing exactly what to do and what position to get into to make it easier on my body.

I will try to tell you his story in order ... but I will probably skip details ... or get the order of things mixed up ... that's just the way it is. Humor is also a part of my life ... and there is laughter in everything I do.

Will's birth story starts off with a prayer actually. Two nights in a row ... I prayed to God to let me go into labor over the weekend and I told him why I would like this. I told him that I could promise to do all sorts of things for him but if I wasn't ready to actually do them it would be lies. Now whether it was because of him or my own mindset or my body that decided it was time to be in labour ... On May 2nd in the early morning ... I went into labor.

The first thing I remember is not sleeping. I maybe had ... a couple hours of sleep that night because of restless legs (I hate restless legs). At 12:38 I decided to get up and walk around. My back started hurting but I actually thought it was just a bathroom cramp (heheh) no seriously when Corey cooks you never know what to expect. I kinda tried timing cramps but they weren't really timeable so I decided they really were just bathroom cramps. By 2 o'clock I couldn't even lie down because my back hurt SO bad ... and by 3 o'clock I decided I needed to try and shower. After my shower I felt a bit better and tried to get some rest again - no dice. Corey decided to tell me I was in labor and asked if he should call my mom. I told him to get a life I would KNOW when I was in labor .... (so funny) By 4 o'clock Corey decided I was in labor despite my protests and I decided to agree. Somewhere in here Corey called our doula (who was at another birth) and our midwife. Our doula (Lisa) called a back up doula (Eileen) so that we would have someone there for us and she also called ahead to make sure the room would be ready. The midwife said she would meet us there. By this point I was rocking between contractions and definitely not eager to make the trip to the car, or to stand straight up. Leaning on the table was just peachy for me. Corey called mom at about 4:40, got me dressed and he packed the car to the best of his ability. Five minutes later he decided my mom was taking too long and said he was going to call Tanya. I actually laughed and told him to get me to the car and she would be here any minute but I was getting worried (I had no idea about how time was passing at this point ... just that I was having back pain and I was mad at it) I love back pressure so Corey would do what he had to do in between contractions and then come back to apply pressure on my spine during the contractions. We made it to the car and I climbed into the back seat. Mom got pulled up and Corey told her Amelie was in bed and ttyl.

Of course the roads sucked and all the way to Saskatoon I listened to Corey swear at the roads for being roads and saying if he was reeve ... I finally told him to shove it because he was distracting me (as you can see I wasn't a very pleasant woman in labor :P) Once we made it off the gravel roads it was pretty smooth sailing I have to admit. I was able to focus on my contractions, but it would have been nice to have another set of hands to push on my back ... I did manage however. The pain was SO intense and I was so surprised by it that I ended up throwing up in the car ... yummy ... most of it ended up in Corey's jacket. (MUAHAHAHAHA) I told him it would wash out just fine. It took Corey about 40 minutes to get to Saskatoon (maybe 45 because he stopped at a red light)

We pulled up to the Birth House in Saskatoon and I eyed the distance to the front door. Corey pulled off his sweater and told me to put it on ... apparently I was only wearing a bra and sweats at this point. We made it to the house in between contractions, up the stairs and into the birth suite. No here I'm not too sure I recall the exact order of things ... I went to the bathroom (this I did for sure) and emptied out the last of whatever was in my bowels (that is called nature's way of getting the body ready to give birth) I told Corey to fill the tub and make it hot, but he didn't make it hot because he knew better. It seemed to take forever to fill so I worked through contractions by stripping out of the sweater and complaining I was cold. Corey called the doula and asked how to get some heat on (or maybe he went and asked someone in the house) regardless he came back and turned the fireplace on. Ahhhhhhhh heat. He also told Lisa about my contractions and she figured baby was facing forward and was turning and that's why I had back pain. She suggested getting on hands and knees during contractions so I remember forcing myself into that position during each contraction. It felt good when there, just the moving to get there was painful. While he was gone he also told them we were obviously there and our gracious host told us to let 'em know if we needed anything.

Each contraction required me to breathe and use sounds like "oohhhhh, ahhh and ... uhhhhh" and hum. I hummed and made low sounds through each contraction reminding myself that the baby was moving down and everything was normal and that my cervix was opening and I was effacing and all the good things. We were there together for about 90 minutes before the midwife got there. Corey kept asking where she was, what was taking so long ... etc ... I wasn't concerned. I liked the quiet. I finally told him if he was worried he could get her paged again, but then she pulled up. Corey made a joke about her moving in she had so much equipment haha. I sank into the tub and put my back to them. I rested my head on a towel and ignored all questions and conversation. I vaguely remember her asking if she could check me and I didn't want to so I ignored it. I never had any checks for Amelie and I didn't want any this time.

To her credit, Debbie (the midwife) spoke very softly in between contractions and only if she needed to and encouraged me softly during the contractions. I kept bossing Corey around and I could tell he was getting discouraged because he couldn't figure out the right amount of pressure or where to put it and I was having a hard time telling him during contractions. I asked Debbie why she needed to do a check and she told me it would give her a good idea of how much time before she needed to call the 2nd midwife. Once Corey told her I had thrown up twice already her voice kind of indicated to me that I might be further along than I thought. When I think about it ... that wouldn't fly with me while not in labor, but in labor it flew and I was curious and I didn't want to check myself. Suddenly, I decided I wanted to get out of the tub. I knew I needed to get out, so then I began the process of convincing my body to do as I said. I got out of the tub and looked down. EWWWW Mucous plug. But I said ... oh I know what that is. Corey said ... yup and Debbie confirmed it. Corey went to fill my water bottle I believe sometime here. Luckily, Debbie was there and she did this amazing thing called a hip squeeze. OH MY GAWD. I saw heaven haha. It was so amazing - no pain all of a sudden. She also kept saying something, I can't quite remember, but I know she said my name during each breath (sound) I made and it was very soothing. I think I may have told Corey that she was way better than him at that point.

I climbed onto the bed and lie on my side for a couple contractions and Debbie did a quick and very painless check and told me I was fully effaced (shock) and 5 cm. What? I was? Holy crap! Then I lie on my side under some towels because I was getting cold again and worked on contractions. Now ... somewhere here, enter Eileen our back up doula. Corey mentioned something about a pink ball, then I heard her voice when she came into the house and I remember thinking (she sounds exactly like I thought she would) The extra set of hands was so nice. Hip squeeze and someone wiping my forehead with a cool cloth and pressure wherever I needed it. I'm not sure what time it was or how time was passing or what was going on around me, I was focusing on my contractions. I was getting frustrated because the hip squeezes weren't working in this position. Then I had to throw up and the action of throwing up broke my membranes. EWWWWWW gush of fluid all over the towels and I told them my water broke. Then ... I knew that if I stood up ... the baby would be born soon. I sighed in my head and thought ... after the next contraction ... after the next contraction ... I thought that for at least 5 contractions. I also remember telling Corey to stop talking somewhere in here ... but through the whole labor to this point and afterwards there was always someone putting pressure, wiping my brow, bringing me water or encouraging me. It was nice and very helpful. Finally I had Eileen (I think) pull me up to stand. No way I could get up on my own haha. And boom, I knew it wouldn't be long. Somehow the bed in front of me was clean again and I was asked if I wanted the ball. I stood for a while with Eileen and Corey putting pressure on my hips and back and then I sat on the ball with them switching. I gave Eileen heck for pinching me (:P) With each contraction I kept telling her to move her hands lower ... and lower ... and lower ... and I could hear Corey say that it's getting lower and then Eileen said something about bulging (shrug) and then I told them I had to push.

Now ... I'm not sure WHAT anybody was doing back there ... having coffee?? JK guys. But I remember feeling a burn. yikes and so I told them I needed counter pressure. This was not the same kind of pushing with Amelie, this was a pushing I could almost control, but it was a FULL force pushing. I told then I didn't want to rip. NO RIPS guys!!! Finally I just put my own dang hand down there and felt Will's head. After a quick assessment I decided I hadn't ripped yet and put my hand where I felt I need the most support. It was AWESOME! I also did NOT want to rip that way if I was going to rip LOL. It's my favorite part .... anyways ... with my hand there I managed to breathe through a push and with my hand there it was a nice warm feeling instead of burning like hell. I also wanted to get lower to the ground which made it difficult for the midwife to see ANYTHING, but she said nothing just got where she needed to be. I don't know how many pushes it took ... but it didn't take long for Will's head to be born. His shoulders ... well ... I said something along the lines of "Holy shit those are big shoulders" which made people laugh.

Then he was born and I turned my head to look behind me and I could see that it was indeed a boy. I of course knew all along because I have awesome instincts ... :P. I turned around and sat down and immediately had baby Will against my chest. awwwwwwwwwesome! A towel was placed over us and that was it. I was a tiny bit concerned of course because of the hooplah with Amelie's birth, but he was fine and I was fine and we were watched closely and he was checked while in my arms and given great apgars and I was fine and no cord was cut and that was that. Corey was thrilled and I'm sure he was on the phone minutes after Will was born.

We cut the cord about 15 minutes later, it had stopped pulsing anyways and there was no rush on anything. He wasn't even weighed until he was over an hour old and he weighed in at a shocking 8 lbs 8.5 ounces. I had no rips, no tears and I was fine and he was great!